It smells like...

Yesterday, I had a group of students come into my classroom straight from the playground.  I about died, because there is nothing worse than smelling twenty sweaty children all sitting together.  I took them outside for art class, but afterwards my classroom still smelled like stinky children.


After they left, I sprayed the room with Fabreeze air freshener to kill the stink.  About five minutes later, the next group of students came in.  Of course, they all noticed that the room smelled like the air freshener and wanted to know what it was.  I heard comments like, "Mmmm that smells good!," "Did you clean in here?," and "What is that?"


The best comment of all came from a kindergartner who said, "It smells like when Dad poops and sprays that stuff to cover it up."  Too much information, my friend.  Too much information.

Run, Children, Run!

I am all for the safety of my students.  I really am.  I just think that state mandates and local school policies have gone overboard with all the "what if's" that could happen during a school day.

Of course we have fire drills.  We are required to have an average of one per month.  It makes sense to have everyone meet in a central location, which we now do.  However, this meeting spot is on the opposite side of the school grounds.  This means I have to take a group of twenty outside, across a parking lot to the street via the entrance of which the fire trucks will be racing into (naturally), down the street, across a second entrance onto school property, up a hill, and finally report on the opposite side of the school grounds to meet their teachers.  So imagine, if you will, twenty kindergartners trying to manage that long of a distance during an emergency.  Yeah, right.  It is a good 1/3 mile walk to reach safety.  


We are now required to have an emergency helicopter location, a mental health station, and a morgue... YES... a MORGUE.  And guess who gets to station these additional hot spots?  You guessed it, Related Arts (Art, Music, Library, Guidance, and PE).


Intruder alerts, lockdowns, toxic gas alerts (yes, we will be issued duct tape to seal the doors shut to our classrooms to keep out toxic gasses... apparently, the idea is to suffocate and go down with the ship as opposed to chancing it with Mystery Gas X).  This is another half-baked solution sent by the State.  Just in case this should EVER happen (I won't hold my breath... pun intended), apparently the powers that be assume that Mystery Gas X can seep through the cracks under the doors to our classrooms, but not smart enough to come through the A/C units.  Go figure!


I'm all for teaching our kids about "Stranger Danger."  And,  yes, there should be a plan in case a "bad guy" comes in the building, but how sad is it that my first graders are so used to the idea of a crazed gunman stalking the halls that locking classroom doors and hiding in dark corners become second nature?


Rumor has it this year is the year to practice an off-campus evacuation.  That requires us to take the entire student population and escort them over a half-mile away to a secure location.  Really!?  I'm trying my best to find out what day this will be.  I feel a sick day coming on!

Not your average art teacher

Yes, I teach elementary art. If I were in a police line-up, I doubt you would pick me as the first one you'd expect to teach your five-year-old proper painting procedures and why you shouldn't paint your teeth with tempera. Of course, you'd probably not want anyone to teach your child if you had to pick them out of a police line-up... but I digress.

Things you will never see in my classroom:

• Glitter- first and foremost. My hatred of glitter is almost equivalent to my hatred of Popsicle stick crafts
• Popsicle stick crafts
• Cotton ball "bunnies," "sheep," or "clouds"
• Anything that you would expect to see at a vacation bible school craft station. NO CRAFTS
• A whiney kid that hasn't felt my wrath

Surprisingly, the great majority of my students actually like me. Go figure.

(image: Demetri Martin)